The Official Beard Virgin Guide

posted in: 20 Somethin' | 0

From age 1-13, I was physically unable to grow a beard.

From 14-18, I had no desire to grow a beard. And, let’s be honest. It would have been patchy.

From 19-25, I was a student at BYU, or on a Mission. 不行.

Hence, no beard.

BUT, there is now nothing holding me back. Only one girl to impress (and she happens to like it. Hallllelujah!), no job interviews to look cherubic for, and no real moral dilemmas.  And so, my beard virginity…has been lost!

To you other beard virgins out there, or to those thinking about making the cross over, I’ve created a simple guide to help you with the transition of this great event.

 

Things You May Notice

1. The world looks the same, but your peripheral vision begins to catch something dark and prickly under your nose. You may find yourself puckering, closing one eye, and staring down to get a better look.

2. Today, I actually got food stuck in my mustache. The stories are true! It does happen. The best is when your mustache soaks up water from the drinking fountain.

3. You may discover some hidden genetics. About 1/10th of my beard hairs are red. Who knew!

4. You may find yourself licking your stache or your chin constantly, just to remind yourself that it’s there.

5. Your significant other’s chin may begin to turn pink…

 

What’s Up With Beards, You Ask? I’ll Let Wikipedia Handle This One.

Modern biologists have reaffirmed the role of sexual selection in the evolution of beards, concluding that there is evidence that a preponderance of females find men with beards more attractive than men without beards.(Say what?! I knew it!) Evolutionary psychology explanations for the existence of beards include signaling sexual maturity and signaling dominance by increasing perceived size of jaws, and clean-shaved faces are rated less dominant than bearded. Some scholars assert that it is not yet established whether the sexual selection leading to beards is rooted in attractiveness (inter-sexual selection) or dominance (intra-sexual selection). A beard can be explained as an indicator of a male’s overall condition. Amount of facial hairiness appears to influence male attractiveness. Presence of a beard makes the owner vulnerable in fights, which is costly (Anyone else just get an awesome mental image of a beard-yanking man cat-fight?), so biologists have speculated that there must be other evolutionary benefits that outweigh that drawback.

Was Darwin trying to pick up chicks?

Beards to Avoid (My Apologies to Henry and Friedrich)

The Neckbeard

255px-Henry_David_Thoreau

The BeardStache

255px-Engels

People You May Now Aspire to Become

James Harden

330px-James_Harden_Beard_Drew-Goodman

Brian Wilson (No, not that Brian Wilson)

Brian_Wilson_(2011)

 

General Advice

1. Having a beard doesn’t mean you should stop shaving. Keep a nice neckline, trim the little mustache hairs that flow over into your lips, and, see #2.

2. Choose your battles. Each man has a place on their cheek where you should draw the line where things get really patchy. Shave the patches and keep the line where you’re really growing.

3. Stroke it often. It really does make you feel like you’re coming up with a good idea.

4. Be strong. There will be days when you wake up, look in the mirror, and have a big temptation to chop it all off. Don’t give in. Give yourself a no-shave period in which you vow to not shave. You won’t regret it.

5. When the day to give it up does come, shave it in stages. First, leave the goatee. Then shave it all but the mustache and the soul patch. Then, depending on if you’re going for the artiste look or the creeper look, keep only the stache or the soul patch.

6.. Live it up. Eat steak, go camping, wrestle other guys or small animals, and feel like the man you are!

 

This message officially brought to you by The Dollar Shave Club.

 

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