1. They’re practically free.

A tube of 30 ants costs $4.95 with free shipping. And they show up in your mailbox a couple days later. The ant farm itself? About $10. $15 covers everything! Chump change.

 

2. You don’t have to break the bank to feed them.

Just a droplet of water every two days, and a pinhead-sized piece of food every week. Yes, pinhead sized. These guys especially loved the splinter-sized piece of apple that I gave them. Ants are C-razy about sugar. They attack sugar.

 

3. They never sleep.

The best part of having ants is waking up and seeing the tunnels they have built during the night! It strangely makes you feel like you’re being productive while you sleep.

 

4. You can use them to get in touch with your inner boy/tomboy.

I feel like I’m a boy scout again. Or the sandbox-digger of my youth. Nothing quite more boyish than bugs and dirt. But ye of a feminine disposition beware. When I opened the package of ants for the first time and my wife saw them crawling all over each other, she may or may not have burst into tears and refused to leave her room for the rest of the evening. It was mildly adorable.

 

5. Ants give you motivation to work a little harder.

These ants never stop working. When they run out of tunnels to dig, they make shortcuts. When they run out of shortcuts to make, they make shortcuts for the shortcuts. When they run out of those, they make tunnels out of the sand they moved to the top. You get the idea. Kind of makes you feel guilty for watching Netflix for the past 5 hours, doesn’t it?

 

6. No hamster funerals, holes in the yard, or awkward toilet-flushes necessary.

When one of their comrades dies, the ants very neatly bury them in a nice little mound. It makes you feel more civilized about having a cage of bugs in your living room. They have a nice organized colony and places for the food, the bodies, the chill-zone, the work zone, etc.

 

7. Emotional connection is at a healthy level

As the circle of life dictates, your ants do pass on eventually. But, it’s not so bad. Maybe a lifetime of stepping on bugs, setting up mosquito zappers, and squishing spiders in my basement bedroom have dulled my conscience. But when your ants do pass on, you miss them a little bit, yes, and you feel a little sad, yes, but you don’t go into mourning. Dog and cat owners will know all about this.

 

8. Owning ants automatically makes you a more interesting person.

Who are you kidding? If you meet someone who runs an ant farm, they move up several cool notches. Plus, they seem more in-tune with the environment, which is always a plus in today’s green-crazy world. In any conversation you can toss in a, “Yeah, I operate an ant farm” and you instantly become awesome.

 

So what are you waiting for? Get an ant farm! Buy the farm here. Buy the ants here. There, no excuses. I already found the cheapest prices for you. You know you want to. And now you have 8 more reasons to suck it up, spend your $15 bucks, and have a life-changing, to die for, incredibly epic, greatest thing ever, pretty cool experience!